Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly honeymooning at the Fairmont JPL. Hmm, maybe? Regardless if the rumours are true or not, we at The Jasper Local have to stand up to the egregious headline in the New York Post’s gossip rag, Page Six, which, upon learning of the Royal Couple’s post-nups destination, decreed Jasper as the “World’s most boring place.” Jasper boring? Oh no you didn’t!
Just in case the Prince and Duchess were second guessing Jasper, here are five things to do here that are anything but boring (with apologies to Mack Lamoureux of Vice)*:
GO CLUBBING
Sure, there’s probably a decent discotheque or two in London, but tell me there’s a more lit dance floor than at Sin Sunday at the AthaB. You can’t ‘cause there ain’t! Make it an authentic Jasper experience by burning your tongue on Northface pizza sauce before getting a cab back to staff accom.
GO CLIFF JUMPING:
It’s excitement you want? Then why not climb to the top of a sketchy cliff while your pie-eyed mates egg you on to jump into the freezing-ass-cold water? Bonus excitement if you break a bone and have to be air-lifted out.
GO “HIKING”
Yes, many of the standard trails in Jasper can be considered a bit tame. So get off the beaten path! Morro Peak is particularly great for getting off-route early and often. If you’re not screaming “Where the hell are you taking us now?” to your loved one, it’s not really an adventure.
GO PADDLING:
Not outside your palatial cabin on bland old Lac Beauvert, mind you. If you want white knuckle canoeing, head straight to Maligne Lake. It’s best if you have no paddling experience whatsoever and head straight for the middle of the lake—sorry, “loch.” Do wear a life jacket though. The whitecaps from those tour boats are straight up terrifying.
TROLL LOCAL SOCIAL MEDIA: Here’s a non-boring rainy day option. Sure you could visit the museum, but why look up from your phone when you can log onto Jasper Buy Sell and Trade and stir up “debate?” Local discussion points include: Who’s paying for my new apartment; why do rainbow crosswalks gotta be all up in my face; how come Parks is soooo stoopid; and can anyone tell me if the local drugstore has fire starter?
So there you go, Page Six, there’s lots of excitement in Jasper, if you know where to look. Prince Harry and Duchess Markle, if you’re reading this, we can share a cab to the ‘B.
Bob Covey bob@thejasperlocal.com
*with inspiration from “10 reasons for the royal couple to honeymoon in Alberta this year” by Mack Lamoureux of Vice
